So what's a new father to do to get equal time with the new infant and is it really
all that important anyway?
If we were to switch the primary care roles where the mother is suddenly out
of the picture for whatever reason and the father is left as the one who feeds
the baby, plays with him, shows him affection and just works to assure its over
all well being, the bond between them would strengthen to the point where bringing
in the mother again would result in her being the odd woman out.
Babies whose fathers take an active interest in their development score higher
on mental development tests and are shown to handle stressful situations later
in life much better than if the father leaves the bonding and care to mommy.
Researchers even suggest that a strong fatherly bond leads to higher academic
excellence and improved social skills and self esteem.
How is this father/baby bonding time supposed to happen when in most cases,
moms have the advantage of not only the biological bond but the time afforded
new mothers by maternity leave?
Some companies now offer Paternity leave for new fathers of up to six weeks.
While California became the first state in 2004 to offer paid leave for fathers,
other states and most of North America is slowly following suit with varying
degrees of time and levels of pay offered.
The most important thing for new dads to remember is that they are not competing
with moms for baby time or for the baby's favour. While bonding will happen
more quickly between mothers and their infants, there are things dads can do
to build their relationship with the new baby from day one.
1. Be Tactile: Babies are comforted through the sense of touch.
Pitching in during bath times, massaging the baby, and holding the baby against
your chest will all succeed in fostering a warm, strong connection between the
two of you.
2. Eye Contact: If you've been talking to the baby since he
was still in the womb, he'll be familiar with your voice, holding him in your
arms so that you can look down at him while you speak and he can look up at
you will help him associate that voice with your face and make him feel safe
and loved.
3. Sharing Doctor Duty: Taking over some of the doctor's visits
from mommy will not only earn you points with her but will help you gain info
on your baby's overall health. It will give you the opportunity to help pitch
in if the doctor offers any suggestions for any necessary treatments.
4. Sharing: 'Doody' Duty: Parenting is a messy business and
while most fathers feel it is the mother's responsibility to take care of the
less enjoyable end of baby care, they're missing out. A crying, uncomfortable
baby who is soothed by a clean diaper and clean clothes will associate that
soothing, comfortable feeling with you. Bonding with your child takes work,
and in this case, you've got to just jump in and get your hands dirty. The baby
will benefit and so will you.
5. Sing, Even If You Can't Carry A Tune In A Bucket: Music
is the universal calmer. A screaming baby will nine times out of ten quiet down
if the radio is switched on to something soft and gentle (sorry, no AC/DC.)
So if you want to bond with your child, hold them close and sing them a lullaby
while rocking them, or look down at them in the crib and sing to your heart's
content. This isn't American Idol and your baby isn't Simon Cowell. You might
get a burp or a spit bubble. It's a sign of relaxed approval. Keep going. He'll
associate you along with mommy as someone who will make him feel better.
6. Schedule Some Daddy Time: Despite the fact that the new
mother will no doubt be frazzled and suffering from sleep deprivation, you might
find some opposition when you put forth the initial idea for some alone time
with the new baby. Mothers are usually pretty territorial about their newborns
and feel uneasy with passing them off to someone else to take care of, even
if it's just for a few hours, even if it's you. This is why pitching in with
little tasks is so important. It shows the nervous mother that she can trust
you to know what you're doing. Respect her nervousness but assure her that the
two of you will make an even better team if you can share parenting responsibilities
and that giving her some free time will be beneficial for both of you. You can
get to know your baby and he can get to know you so that if she's ever swamped,
you can take over with minimal fuss on the part of the child.
The baby will benefit from getting to know each parent separately and while
it is important that the father take the time to build his own unique relationship
with his child, it's only when parents work together, respectful of those separate
necessary bonds that the child can truly grow into a strong, loving and well
adjusted human being.
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