Think
about it: Before the baby entered your family, your
toddler was told he’d have a wonderful little brother
to play with, and how much fun it would be. Then the little
brother is born and your toddler is thinking, “Are you
kidding me? This squirming, red-faced baby that takes up all
your time and attention is supposed to be FUN?” He then
“plays” with the baby in the only ways he knows
how. He plays catch. You yell at him for throwing toys at
the baby. He plays hide-and-seek. You yell at him to get the
blanket off the baby. He gives the kid a hug, and you admonish
him to be more careful. Is it any wonder that your toddler
is confused?
Teach: Your first goal is to protect the baby. Your second, to teach
your older child how to interact with his new sibling in proper
ways. You can teach your toddler how to play with the baby
in the same way you teach him anything else. Talk to him,
demonstrate, guide and encourage. Until you feel confident
that you’ve achieved your second goal, however, do not
leave the children alone together. Yes, I know. It isn’t
convenient. But it is necessary, maybe even critical.
Hover:
Whenever the children are together, “hover” close
by. If you see your child about to get rough, pick up the
baby and distract the older sibling with a song, a toy, an
activity or a snack. This action protects the baby while helping
you avoid a constant string of “Nos,” which may
actually encourage the aggressive behavior.
Teach
soft touches: Teach the older sibling how to give
the baby a back rub. Tell how this kind of touching calms
the baby, and praise the older child for a job well done.
This lesson teaches the child how to be physical with the
baby in a positive way.
Act
quickly: Every time you see your child hit, or act
roughly with the baby, act quickly. You might firmly announce,
“No hitting, time out.” Place the child in a time-out
chair with the statement, “You can get up when you can
use your hands in the right way.” Allow him to get right
up if he wants – as long as he is careful and gentle
with the baby. This isn’t punishment, after all. It’s
just helping him learn that rough actions aren’t going
to be permitted.
Demonstrate: Children learn what they live. Your older child will be watching
as you handle the baby and learning from your actions. You
are your child’s most important teacher. You are demonstrating
in everything you do, and your child will learn most from
watching you.
Praise:
Whenever you see the older child touching the baby
gently, make a positive comment. Make a big fuss about the
important “older brother.” Hug and kiss your older
child and tell him how proud you are.
Watch
your words: Don’t blame everything on the baby.
“We can’t go to the park; the baby’s sleeping.”
“Be quiet, you’ll wake the baby.” “After
I change the baby I’ll help you.” At this point,
your child would just as soon sell the baby! Instead, use
alternate reasons. “My hands are busy now.” “We’ll
go after lunch.” “I’ll help you in three
minutes.”
Be
supportive: Acknowledge your child’s unspoken
feelings, such as “Things sure have changed with the
new baby here. It’s going to take us all some time to
get used to this.” Keep your comments mild and general.
Don’t say, “I bet you hate the new baby.”
Instead, say, “It must be hard to have Mommy spending
so much time with the baby.” or “I bet you wish
we could go to the park now, and not have to wait for the
baby to wake up.” When your child knows that you understand
her feelings, she’ll have less need to act up to get
your attention.
Give
extra love: Increase your little demonstrations of
love for your child. Say extra I love yous, increase your
daily dose of hugs, and find time to read a book or play a
game. Temporary regressions or behavior problems are normal,
and can be eased with an extra dose of time and attention.
Get
‘em involved: Teach the older sibling how to
be helpful with the baby or how to entertain the baby. Let
the older sibling open the baby gifts and use the camera to
take pictures of the baby. Teach him how to put the baby’s
socks on. Let him sprinkle the powder. Praise and encourage
whenever possible.
Making
each feel special: Avoid comparing siblings, even
about seemingly innocent topics such as birth weight, when
each first crawled or walked, or who had more hair! Children
can interpret these comments as criticisms.
Take
a deep breath and be calm: This is a time of adjustment
for everyone in the family. Reduce outside activities, relax
your housekeeping standards, and focus on your current priority,
adjusting to your new family size.
Excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. from Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 1999.
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