From infancy to their toddler years, a child’s
influences are primarily their care givers. You teach
them the difference between right and wrong. You guide
them away from dangerous places. You do everything you
can to keep them safe and happy and for the first few
years of their life, they never question that you’re
rules are law.
Then come the play dates, or school or the next door
neighbour’s kid. Suddenly they’re being
told things counter to what you taught them. It’s
okay to stay out later than you said. It’s okay
to steal that chocolate bar. It’s okay to cheat
on that test.
We want our children to be social. We want them to
have friends and have a fun, happy childhood and fun
and happy teen years. We want them to learn independence
and to make their own decisions. If something should
happen to us, we don’t want our children to be
unable to function without us.
But what happens if these friends they have made are
leading them down the wrong path? What happens if they
are teaching our children the exact opposite of the
values we try and instil in them? What can you do when
you’re starting to feel like the good angel on
your child’s shoulder, trying to drown out the
devil on his other shoulder?
You can hope that the lessons you’ve taught them
thus far will stick with them and they will be strong
enough to resist the temptation to deviate from what
they know is the right thing. But the truth is, this
really depends on the age of the child when the bad
influence comes into play. A teenager who’s grown
up consistently on the straight and narrow will be less
likely to succumb to a friend’s bad influence
than a younger child. Chances are the danger of a bad
influence taking hold of your child will be most prevalent
between the ages of five and fifteen. These ten years
are the most turbulent for any child and when social
interactions shape their character the most.
This isn’t to say that there’s no peer
pressure in a child’s later teen years, from sixteen
to nineteen. Certainly being invited to parties, out
to clubs brings with it its own set of temptations but
studies show that if a child is raised with a strong
sense of self and a strong moral center from infancy
into his early teen years without being tempted to ‘the
dark side’ he will less likely to sway when faced
with the more serious pressures from his friends.
It’s a fact that some people are leaders and
others are followers. If your child is a follower, you
want to make sure that they are following the right
people. While you’re not able to control who they
hang out with at school, you can have a say in who they
spend their time with outside of school. If you notice
that there are certain children who seem to have a negative
influence on your child, teaching them to swear, talk
back disrespectfully or engage in other disruptive behaviours,
you are completely within your rights to refuse to allow
your child to spend time with these ‘friends’.
The problem comes when your child decides that the
more you forbid something, the more he wants to do it.
Rebellion is cool. He sees these kids having fun, hears
about their exciting adventures at school and he wants
to join in. These other kids are his friends. He wants
to keep them because it’s certainly no fun being
the kid at school with no friends.
Starting with your child’s first play date, you
can lay the ground work for your child learning the
difference between ‘good’ friends and ‘bad’
friends. When you accompany your child on these outings,
watch your child interact with the other child. Is the
other child aggressive and loud? Does he hit or talk
back to the adults when they try and scold him? You
may want to limit these play dates or find another group
to have play dates with. If you see your child picking
up on these behaviours, tell them firmly but without
anger that the way the other child was behaving was
not good. Make sure to positively reinforce your own
child’s behaviour by letting them know that you’re
very happy and proud that they don’t act that
way. Your child will see that the other child’s
behaviour is not something he wants to emulate if he
wants to retain your approval.
When they get older you’ll hear this phrase at
least once a day, guaranteed: ‘But so and so’s
mom lets them do it.’ You should make it clear
that ‘so and so’s’ mom probably has
no clue what their little angel is up to. Besides, you’re
not there to parent ‘so and so’ you’re
there to parent your child. Make sure you define exactly
what it is about their friend’s behaviour that
you think is wrong. If they choose to follow this friend’s
influence then let them know that there will be consequences.
Make it clear that if they’re going to follow
this friend’s destructive behaviour then that
is a choice and if they choose to break your rules and
be disrespectful then as their parents you must employ
consequences they are not going to like. Also let them
know that ‘‘so and so’ made me do
it’ is not an acceptable defence.
If they want to be given freedom to make their own
choices, it’s up to you to show them as early
as possible that with freedom comes responsibility and
one of the most important choices they can make as they
grow into adults is the company they keep.
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