But as the days tick
by, there are some women who begin looking at the calendar
with a sense of dread, they see the days as somewhat
of a reprieve. These women once thought of sex with
their partner with eagerness and were enthusiastic about
this expression of affection. All of a sudden, they’re
claiming headaches and exhaustion.
No one can deny that
exhaustion is certainly a very valid excuse for a dip
in a woman’s sex drive. A newborn’s demands
not only on their time but their body if they’re
breastfeeding will drain any woman of energy so that
instead of craving sex with her husband, she’s
more likely to be craving sleep.
Teresa, a thirty-six
year old productivity and sales manager from Dallas
can certainly relate to the above. “The desire
was there but the strength wasn't. This was after the
first two. After child three and four, we were bunnies...having
sex within days of leaving the hospital. After a few
months though, even that died down. I nursed and the
last thing I wanted was some guy going to town on ye
old boobies when I had kids hanging off of them all
day. I was not turned on at all by about month three.”
The husband, for
the most part, will be sympathetic during those first
few weeks. He certainly can’t miss the toll the
new baby is taking on the new mother and can accept
that their lives have changed with this new addition.
If he tends to leave all the baby care to the mother,
this is definitely going to change her desire to for
him and it will foster resentment on her part. Teresa
adds, “I was exhausted doing all of the housework
and taking care of an infant. He didn't help much.”
Is it any wonder women turn away from men who seem to
think since ‘she’s the mother’ than
it’s all her responsibility while they sit on
their couches watching the tube?
But if he does pitch
in and once they settle into a routine and the mother’s
body has healed she should be ready for sex again, yet
his advances are still rebuffed, leaving him feeling
rejected. If he’s rebuffed enough times, he will
stop making the advances.
The mother, for all
her lack of desire, sees her husband’s lack of
attention as proof that he is no longer interested in
her, decreasing her self esteem and contributing to
the second major reason a woman’s sex drive diminishes
after the birth of a child: low self esteem.
Her body has just
gone through this major traumatic event and for a high
percentage of women, will not be returning to its pre-childbirth
slimness. Our Teresa can concede that women should understand
if men suddenly see them as less then the vibrant sexual
beings they used to be. “I knew I was less than
desirable. Come on...I didn't wear make up, my hair
was nasty, I smelled like milk/spit up all the time
and I always seemed to have dried stains on my shirt
from my leaking breasts.” She feels unattractive
and self conscious about her body now in a way she may
not have been before the baby and she can’t believe
that her husband could still find her sexy so she pulls
away from him. His pulling away then becomes a self
fulfilling prophecy and a chasm between the couple widens.
For quite a few women,
their sexual desire seems to hit a fever peak during
pregnancy itself due to changing hormones. Once they
give birth and the desire returns back to ‘normal’,
this can be seen as a decrease in sex drive instead
of just a return to their pre-pregnancy levels of desire.
Emily, a thirty year
old teacher from Albuquerque believes this was the case
for her. “If it did diminish, I'd say it would
be due to fatigue, which comes along with caring for
an infant, or perhaps that it didn't actually diminish
from pre-pregnancy standards but diminished from the
heightened state of desire that comes during pregnancy.”
Ideally, the problem
should right itself in a few months, barring any health
reasons for the lowered libido such an the initial hormone
imbalance of pregnancy that doesn’t seem to be
righting itself when it should, in this case, drugs
may certainly help level things off. But there may be
other contributing health factors such as post partum
depression, drugs she may be taking if the pregnancy
was a particularly difficult one or even anaemia from
a heavy loss of blood during delivery.
While there are a
myriad of reasons for lowered sex drive after childbirth,
both physical and emotional, the main tool in dealing
with it is understanding and patience on both sides.
For men, support and encouragement goes a long way in
bringing back a woman’s desire. For women, they
have to be very careful not to neglect their husbands
in this new phase of their lives.
This new baby is
depending on both of them and only if they work together
and give each other the best of themselves, can they
give the best to their baby.
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