With sibling rivalry, we have to understand that conflict
is inevitable. It’s common for brothers and sisters
to experience some degree of competition and jealousy,
because having a sibling always reduces the time and attention
you get from your parents. If you look at this from the
point of view of a child, when a new brother or sister
comes along, it’s a situation that can be compared
to your spouse bringing home another wife or husband and
expecting you immediately to love the intruder. Remember,
kids have different temperaments. Some children are naturally
shy, some are naturally sociable, some naturally aggressive.
Your kid’s mood, disposition and adaptability will
play a large role in how well they get along. Of course,
watching your children fight can be frustrating and stressful
to deal with. As parents, it’s our challenge to
figure out how to handle the constant squabbling by not
making things worse. JustMommies.com spoke with Dr. Kerby
Alvy, the Founder and Executive Director of the Center
for the Improvement of Child Caring. He gave us some great
pointers from the book “Siblings Without Rivalry”
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish to help parents deal
with sibling rivalry and promote peace in the household.
#1: HELP YOUR KIDS DEAL WITH NEGATIVE FEELINGS TOWARDS EACH OTHER.
Example: You are nursing your infant, when your toddler comes up with a sad
face and exclaims, “You are always with the baby!” You could say,
“No, I’m not. Didn’t I just read to you?” Well, that’s
not really identifying with the little guy’s feelings. The way you could
do that and show him that his feelings are ok, would be to say something like,
“You don’t like my spending so much time with her, do you?”
Example: Let’s say 12-year-old Michelle is coming up to daddy while he’s
reading the sport’s section and her brother has been irritating her. What
she says to daddy, “He does it on purpose! He always burps when I’m
around!” Well, daddy could say, “Big deal.” That isn’t
acknowledging her feelings. Instead, daddy could try something like, “You
feel he does it just to irritate you, don’t you?” These are ways
you can acknowledge that it’s ok to have negative feelings towards your
siblings, and that’s an important message to give kids.
#2 AVOID THE URGE TO COMPARE, ESPECIALLY NEGATIVE COMPARISONS.
Example: Your 4-year-old is sitting at the table, drinking milk. He’s
having a little trouble managing the glass and ends up spilling a little on
his shirt. You could say, “That’s disgusting. Even the baby doesn’t
spill it all over herself!” Well, that’s a little negative and could
make the child think mommy likes the baby better. Instead, you could try something
like, “There’s a little milk dripping down the front of your shirt.”
Then the child may do something about it himself.
Example: Your 13-year-old daughter has a hole in her skirt and she wants you
to fix it before school starts. She asks you (mommy) to do the sewing. As you
are busy patching it up, she says something like, “You are doing it too
slow. Why is it taking so long?!” What you say in response, “Don’t
call me slow. Your sister never talks to me that way.” A better way to
handle this situation would be to say, “It’s hard for me to be helpful,
when I’m being criticized.” These are a couple great ways to avoid
making negative comparisons.
#3 DON’T CLAIM “EQUAL” LOVE. SHOW HOW CHILDREN ARE
LOVED UNIQUELY.
Example: You are sitting on the couch and your 7-year-old son comes up and asks,
“Mommy, who do you love best?” This is not unusual for children
to ask. A common response would be, “I love you all the same. Or…
I’ve told you a hundred times, I love you all equally.” Most kids
will assume that you are just saying that because you have to. A better way
of handling this question would be something like, “Each one of you is
special to me. You are my only Michael. In the whole wide world, there is not
another like you. No one has your thoughts or your smile. I’m so glad
you are my son.”
#4 DEAL WITH FIGHTING CONSTRUCTIVELY.
Example: Let’s discuss the scariest form of fighting for parents, and
that’s when fighting is starting to turn into hurting. Let’s say
that 5-year-old George is standing on a chair, ready to throw a truck at his
brother’s head. His older brother is right in front of him, with a baseball
bat. You’ve got a situation here where children can get badly hurt. The
first thing that a parent should do is describe what is they are seeing. “I
see one boy on a chair about to throw a truck and another boy about to hit with
a baseball bat. Both of them are furious. Now, this is a dangerous situation.
We gotta have a cooling off period. Quick, both of you go to your rooms!”
This is one way of diffusing the situation immediately and constructively handling
the fight.
Example: Let’s pick a situation where two girls are battling over property.
9-year-old Tara wants to borrow her older sister, Lisa’s blouse. Their
dialogue could go something like, “Can I wear this? It matches my skirt
perfectly and we are having a party today.” “No, it’s mine.”
“You never wear it.” “But I might!” “Please, just
for today?” “I said NO.” “MOM!!!” This is the
situation you come in on. Now, you could side with the property owner and here
is what you might say, “This blouse belongs to your sister. Let’s
not have any more discussion about it. Give it back to her.” In other
words, you make the decision for the child. This is not the best way to handle
the situation, because it could appear to one child that another is being favored,
which will foster even more resentment. Don’t come in and take over. A
more constructive way to deal with this scenario is to let the kids handle the
issue themselves. Here is how it could play out, “Boy, you two sound pretty
upset with each other. Tara, you want to wear it to the party… but the
blouse is still special to you, Lisa, even though you’ve outgrown it.
Well, it’s your blouse and your decision. But if you want to work something
out with your sister- that would be between the two of you.” Kids are
very creative. You might see something like, “I’ll trade you. You
can wear my new silver earrings all week, if I can wear your blouse just for
today.” Whenever possible, don’t get involved. Let your kids learn
how to work out problems on their own. This is an important skill for later
in life as well. It’s important to let children learn how to compromise
and negotiate, how to value another’s perspective, and how to control
their aggressive impulses.
For more information on Dr. Kerby Alvy ~ please check out www.ciccparenting.org.
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